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Listening to the Cranberries and crying.

<--picture of me forcing my love on fuzz 😂 I woke up today feeling extremely down mentally. I have had a hard time the last few weeks physically and mentally. I am going to be completely honest and admit that I wrote an entire blog about the status of my health and the details of my test results and each little set back and decline in status and then just decided to delete the entire post! My reasoning is that those things aren't hard for me to talk about... those are facts. The hardest thing for me to admit is the state of my mind and mental being on days like today. And today, for no apparent reason, other than the obvious decline in health (but i've been here before and in worse condition, so its not a new feeling) I dragged myself out of bed and got in the shower and after coughing, throwing up and cleaning myself (again.. not a new thing unfortunately- lol) I just sat and sobbed in the bathroom for a good half hour.. And I hesitate to write things like this because I fear that people will react with pity, and to me that is the worst feeling. I am no different than anyone else fighting their own battles. And although I preach optimism, anyone who says they have NEVER felt depression or anxiety is either a robot or just simply lying. It is simply a part of life and shouldn't have as much stigma attached as it does. So that is why i'm writing.

Suffering with depression and anxiety can just stop you in your tracks and put a hold on any physical healing. No pills, treatments or therapy can heal your ailment if your not in the right mind set... And i know that science says "yes, you can physically get better without being a positive person if you take your medicine and follow your regimen" but honestly... the hormones that your body releases during times of stress and anxiety are in NO WAY HEALTHY or GOOD for you. That being said... I am also a firm believer of feeling feelings. Yep... I said it and it sounds stupid but its true. I used to joke around when i was younger and say "drink till you can't feel feelings" - i'm pretty sure it was a family guy quote that just made me giggle. But anyway... there is so much truth in that funny little line. We as people do things so often to numb our feelings or emotions- whether its drinking, working long hours, making jokes, taking drugs (legal or not), avoiding them completely, bottling them up.... but what happens when someone uncorks that bottle? Its like a bomb waiting to happen. So yea, quite often I allow myself to Feel Feelings so i don't explode and sometimes they are good and sometimes they aren't but that's OK. I allow myself to feel sad because it is inevitable that at some point the tides will turn, and just as waves were once crashing over and pulling me under, the earth rotates beneath my feet in the sand, and the sun and moon align strategically, as gravitational pull swings the tides and I resurface to breathe... and experience the inevitable joys of life again.

Pure Joy. At times I am filled with so much hope that I need to remember to take each day for what it is and live in the moment. I have a habit of allowing myself to dream so much that I forget to keep my feet on the ground at times. I've done this as long as I can remember, its just who I am. Hope is a scary thing for myself and it needs to be throttled or i'll end up in the clouds!! Especially with traveling... its the one thing I really miss and can't wait to do after transplant but again...i need to throttle the dreaming back so i don't get ahead of myself. One day at a time. As for today? well the title says it all... I spent the morning listening to the cranberries and crying today, and i'm 100% OK with that. Hahaha. The next few hours will be spent focusing on breathing treatments and resting until my amazing husband comes home with ingredients for "Taco Tuesday".. I'm already feeling like the tides are turning in my favor!! ;)


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