Ok, Ok…I know this makes everyone uncomfortable but relax… this is reality and I promise I won’t be whiny and depressing. Believe it or not, I’m pretty positive these days. I’m actually way less uncomfortable about it than everyone else around me. The point is… my lungs are dying, and my body is following suit slowly. That is just facts. However… my mind and spirit for life are still very much alive… and probably more than ever. In my opinion, the end stages of a terminal disease can affect your mentality in two ways.
1. You can focus on dying with a terminal disease..
2. You can focus on living with a terminal disease. And then of course there is all that positive stuff about HOPE and a CURE (however I tend to think small and hope for big)…I’m all about that grand stuff too, but mainly I just focus on living the best way I can. Yes, I can throw mini-hissy fits and get frustrated over insurance companies or oxygen tubing, my portable concentrator batteries never being fully charged…but for the most part I’m focusing on what I DO get to do during the day rather than what I’m being held back from.
...But back to my crazy brain!! Recently in the last month I’ve been having feelings of euphoria that happen at random times of the day...I don't want to say “out of body experience” because I don't want to sound like I’m mentally unstable or taking hallucinogens but honestly I’m convinced that my brain is just changing as I get sicker. When you are faced with the gravity of life and death and you feel your world closing in as you are confined to the walls of your home (if you are lucky) or your hospital bedroom, you begin to appreciate the things that were once taken for granted: like randomly crying over a beautiful sunny day when you can make it out of the house or actually drooling over a good cooked meal…LOL. But I have been having at least one crazy euphoric experience daily and they have just been making me look at things around me in a whole new light. So in reality…I am dying but I am experiencing things and feeling such joy at times that it almost makes me feel like I just started living. And as I think about the things I MAY be able to do after transplant… I’m overwhelmed with emotions. As I’m reading this back I’m hesitant to even post because I’m not sure how people will react to this but I told myself I would be completely honest if I started a blog, so no censorship people. This is what’s going on in my crazy brain these days…lots of unstable happy crying and euphoria…and a hint of pure joy/ excitement for the future.